Catching a Break or Learning To Be Humble

On Monday.. I was doing well... things were going smoothly, I've learned to do things quite quickly with my immbolizer, I've could do just about everything on my own, move about, be normal, walk normal, just have some kids in the stores look at me weird and say.. whats wrong wtih her leg mom.. etc etc.. things were going well.. I was in good spirits, that it would be okay if I had to wear this thing to faithwalkers.. I guess it wouldn't be that bad.. could it?

Yesterday... Things.. took a turn for the worse.. it has been raining here for while, its kind of slippery outside when your not aware of it.. and I was heading down the stairs outside of my work for lunch when i slipped and my right ankle twisted I heard a large pop, I was in so much shock it hurt soo much.. I stood up so quickly because I didn't want anyone to see me, a person who already has a huge greenish thing on her left leg lying helpless on the stairs.. I went to take a step.. and oh my... WOW it hurts really really really bad..

I am crying, I am thinking wow I can't walk... how am I going to make it to my car, which was only a few feet away.. people are walking by.. probably thinking, how freakish I am... I manage to make it to my car.. i start it.. Streams of tears are running down my face, I am thinking its not that bad.. it can't be that bad.. could it? I try to take my shoe off to look at it, I can't it hurts to much just to turn my foot... oh my what have I gotten my self into.. I try to calm my self down.. I bring my self to barely not crying and call my roomate at work.. thinking maybe she could give me some ice..

She answers.. whew.. shse says sure.. I head over there thinking its just a sprain no biggy, if i walk a little it will be shaken off.. boy oh boy am I wrong.. I sit on the couch in capanna, tears rolling down my face, unable to hold back, I am sooo angry at my self, how stupid I felt for falling, how dumb i feel, let alone, now I not only have one bad leg, I have two... but keep thinking maybe some ice will fix it.. my roomate asks if I am gonna go to the doctor.. I keep saying no.. but thinking I should.. and all at the same time, thinking there is no way I am going to Faith Walkers.. I look like a freak!

I leave her work after about 45 minutes of icing.. its not any better.. and only getting worse.. I head back to work.. close up my office, and head off to the doctor, Good news... its not broken.. yay! Bad news.. its a really bad strain, and I've torn some liagements.. I am thinking you have got to be kidding me! and how in the world am I going to walk. They tell me to stay off of it.. hah!! they are funny!

I am so angry at my self, now i have to use crutches, i've left my self helpless, i can hardly do anythign on my own.. I can carry nothing but in a back pack... I attend lynns party.. wow what a challenge.. Its so hard for me to ask for help.. why is it so hard for me to ask for help I like to do things on my own... which is like impossible now.. I have two bad legs.. LOL... I feel like I am a burden to people when I ask can you get me a drink.. could you get me a slice of pizza.. ugh..I am hating it.. I know that I am only being molded but man.. its a hard one.

I am still not so sure about faithwalkers.. i don't know if i can be this humble infront of all my friends from others states. and when they ask what happened.. i am sure they will be thinking.. wow what an idiot.. how in the world.. its so hard.. but my doc did say i might get my knee brace off early next week.. so if that happens... i'll be there.. just maybe on crutches.. oh the joys.. I just keep thinking that involves asking someone to help me with my tray at lunch.. and everything.. what a challenge..

Can't I just catch a break or something without breaking or tearing something?

Love Heals Your Heart

I really like this new song!!

Love Heals Your Heart by Third Day

"Love Heals Your Heart"
Did you think you were immune to this
Did you think you could escape without infection
You do all you’re able to resist
Just to avoid the danger of rejection

Memory warns you of the past
When it all went wrong

When you think your life is shattered
And there’s no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You’re alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart

Everybody has a wall to climb
That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive
Every smile that they would hide behind
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface

Sometimes it’s hard to understand
How we’re trapped inside


The lyrics ring so true! How often do I think that I can just escape or be immune to something that is trapping me from my past..when my past haunts me and traps me, and I think I free, and then I am not, but someone comes along side of me, and helps me along the way.

The smile that I hide behind when things aren't neccessarly going just the right way, and I think no one will or would ever understand what I am going through, past or present, a loving friend comes my way, points me in the right direction, helps me see the light again. I am so thankful I have loving friends!

Chondromalacia patellae

Some new vocab for you all!

Chondromalacia patellae is the softening and degeneration of the cartilage underneath the kneecap.. What does this mean?

Last night I opened a letter from my doctor which also included all my doctor notes... more bad news.. how in the world is that possible? I thought man it can't get any worse! I would love to run, I would love to dance, I would love to jump, I would love to bike, I would love to be normal... Instead.. I now also have been diagnoised with a condition called Chondromalacia Patella...

The Bad News.. Chrondromalacia is ususally a permant problem althougth some times non surgical treatmeans can relieve the knee pain in months.. however it is extremly hard to treat.. The reason why Chrondromalacia is usuaally a permant problem is because it affects articular cartilage which heals poorly.

The Treatment - Avoiding high-impact exercises, Using knee tape, a brace or a special patellar-tracking sleeve to keep your kneecap aligned properly, if nonsurgical treatmeans fail to alliveate the pain in 6 months, surgical treatment can be considered.. :(

The Good News --- I have amazing friends who continue to support me, even when I am frustrated.. I never in my dreams thought it would be this challenging to be in an immobalizer, or deal with a condition that may never go away, or may end my triathalons, I can't even hardly imagine thinking of that.. I am continuing relying and knowing that God has my back, he has a plan, he loves me! and he knows my heart and desires.

I've been really challenged the past 8 days, I would love to go outside and run, and with all the nice weather we have been having, I have been wishing even more that I could run or bike, everytime I see a runner or a biker, I wish I could be them.. but it may not be happening for a long time..

Two weeks ago, I had a MRI done on my left knee, I was very nervous going in, sitting in the waiting room was torture, I just wanted it done, and out of there! Everyone around me had someone sitting next to them, I was begining to think I should have taken up my friends offer to come with me, but I was being to prideful, thinking they would not want to wait 30 minutes for me in the waiting room while I was having the procedure done.. I think thats me a lot, I tend to try to do it on my own, really wanting someone there, but either to prideful or to ashamed to ask..

Anyway, so I went into the MRI room, thankfully, I got to do it a the Hospital, this was blessing 1 from God! The rooms are much nicer there, the ceilings are sky blue titles with beautiful trees branching into the sky, it reminded me so much of God's beauty. No expense was spared for these rooms, which I was so thankful for. Secondly, I got some really nice techs, they made me feel comfortable, when my heart was racing. Thirdly, I got to listen to music, and as they put the music on, it made me feel, as though God was right there, protecting me, calming my heart, my favorite song, was playing, it made me really think again that God cares about every littel dettail of our lives, he knows us so intametly, he knows what we need, and when we need it, and he wants to be your protector and careing father when you let him!

Immboalizer! the patience builder

It's been a while since my last blog post... and you might wonder why...

It's not that I haven't had some cool things happen to me in the past weeks.. or month.. or that I have been so ubberly busy.. well I have been busy.. but not overly ubberly busy.. its mostly because I was waiting to hear about my knee..

I injured my knee about 8 weeks ago.. yes its really been that long! :( My knee had been bugging me when i ran for a while, but not overly bad just kind of like a dull ache, and then painful durning the rest of the day and it kept getting worse... I ignored it for a while.. I thought it had to get better.. I thought maybe it was just runners knee.. to much running.. I thought it would get better with a little rest, so I rested it for 3 weeks.. no running.. WOW! what a challenge.. I continued to swim.. which was good, but not as good as running.. and then I had to face realitly..

I made an appointment in Sports Med.. I think they know me by name when they see me now.. but anyway.. they are pretty nice. and I couldn't get in for another 3 weeks.. 3 MORE weeks.. are you kidding me!! What a feat, waiting.. and waiting some more just to see what was wrong.. and hoping that it was something that was easily fixeable..

They first thought it was a Meniscus tear.. which would mean I would have to have surgery.. but they did a MRI to check it out.. to my luck.. it was not a Meniscus tear.. but A partially torn MCL which I guess has similar symptoms.. but not as bad.. cuase it doesnt' need surgery!! yay!

The downfall... I have to wear a Styling! tealish greenish cast like thing on my leg for the next 2 - 3 weeks.. to reduce inflamation, and allow it to heal.. Which also means that I can't do anything, no swimming, running, weights... its all out! I thought.. it wouldn't be that bad. but this thing is not fun.. by any means! and its only day 2!

Its hard to go up and down stairs.. I never realized how much you bent your knee in a day.. its even worse to sit at a desk all day.. so i've rigged up an amazing contracption at work, a chair on one side to put my leg up on.. and my keyboard all shifted, as well as my monitor..

Its hard to use the bathroom! Its hard to do little things.. and you can't just do things fast any more.. I've been reflecting on this a lot.. A year ago, I was at Faithwalkers, and one of the things I asked God to grow me in this year was Patience... I thought I had grown quite a bit, I was no longer extremly annoyed when someone didn't play a card at a moments notice, or they weren't fast enough... but I am learning quickly, that I have yet to learn the hard lesson of patience with my self.

Its been so hard not to run the past 8 weeks.. I have to learn patience, to let my body heal.. all while at the same time I am learning that when I go back to running that I will have to have the patience to build up slowly.. as running too fast is what got me here.. I have to learn that things will not change overnight with my body and having the patience to pursavere through all that will get me a lot farther. I forget so easily that endurance and patience,... come together..

Colossians 1:10-12
10And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully 12giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you[a] to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.

I've also realized that you don't really miss things until they are gone.. When i missed a workout when I coudl workout.. i didn't really mind.. I waslike.. oooh its okay, i'll make it up.. or there were days that i was like.. i do NOT want to workout today.. and skipped.. but now that I can't.. i crave to do so.. I can't wait until i can go back to some kind of workout.. I am still hoping to do an olympic distance triathalon this summer.. but it might not be till July now.. but I am okay with that..